I’m willing myself to write like I didn’t just finish digesting twelve cases like it didn’t exhaust the fuck out of my brain, like I wasn’t even tired at all, like it’s not two in the morning already.
I knew I was meant to break this weekly contemplation junk since I suck at consistency like I’ve practiced my whole life to be good at it. I didn’t want to write because then my realization of the past weeks would hit me like it’s aiming for the bull’s eye. I was waiting for a positive thing to come. For my sense of self to actually make sense. I didn’t want to admit that most of the people in my life don’t accept rebuke as love, a question for clarity, and me, as an acceptable human being capable of feeling too.
It’s that feeling all over again, like my world never stops spinning, like I have to keep up with its speed like I have not a single say on how I should be treated because demanding for what I think I deserve seems to be too much for their ego.
Maybe I didn’t want to admit that I’m still settling for less. Wherever I go or whatever I do, or however I try to be as good, people do things out of the shittiness of their hearts. Like being nice and respectful and polite and understanding is an expensive value they can’t afford. Like bullying is the new trend, or digging deep for your flaws is their pastime.
I told my friend I’d leave this town when I become a lawyer. Not out of spite but out of exhaustion. I told her if I have the chance to go somewhere else where people don’t have a fucking idea who I am, I’d go and settle there in a heartbeat.
I have never felt this drained; but each day stuns the hell out of me because I always think I’m in the brink of collapsing or surrendering to whatever or whoever’s playing with my fucking life, but then I wake up every day, I survive everyday, and much as I have become so pessimistic at life in general, I learn about a thing or two.
I’m giving up at certain things and people in my life now, not because I’m a fucking weakling, but because trying to constantly prove something just causes me insufferable damage. It turns out hoping can also cause someone an agonizing wound. It turns out hoping and constantly believing in people that promised you change but never actually did something about it has made me gullible and stupid.
I’m giving up at certain causes that only impairs my growth. I have had high hopes and positive views about talking about things to make it better, but it turns out not all people deserve rationalization anymore so I’d rather shut the fuck up and let them do whatever the fuck they want.