The universe is on my side this time

You twitch when you’re about to fall asleep and it’s a signal to me, that you’re tucked in comfortably while my arms are wrapped around you. I don’t want to make any sudden movements so as not to wake you up, and if I could, I would cancel all the unnecessary noise that might disturb your rest.

I love you. I have so much of it in store in my chest that I sometimes feel it will explode. You make me forget the person that I used to be — full of storms and spinning gears; you make me want to look forward and be at peace with the life I have now despite it not being perfect, despite it still being chaotic.

And as you try to re-energize yourself for another battle when the sun sets and the world is asleep, I’ll lay still beside you and thank the universe for finally being good to me, for giving me you. ✨

Advertisements

I look forward to loving you more each day

I look at you and my world fades into a background like nothing in my bitter past matters anymore. There’s just not enough word to tell you how much you make me happy — not just the kind that I feel at the beginning of relationships — but a hopeful kind of happy.

There are times that your presence alone scares the hell out of me because I don’t know how else to have a good grasp of something this good to happen in my life.

Do you know how it feels to be dead-tired but you’re thankful at the same time because maybe this time you won’t screw it up? Maybe this time you’ve learned already? Maybe this time you’re equipped with enough strength to fight for something this good to stay in your life? Because I do now.

I look forward to your call everyday. I look forward to your stories and jokes and memes. I look forward to hearing your voice and how you crack at your own jokes and laugh like nothing in your goofiness should be hidden. I look forward to taking care of you. I look forward to being with you when I take my oath three years from today. I look forward to taking care of one (or maybe two, please) dog/s and a cat with you in the future.

I look forward to loving you more each day.

And as cheesy as this may sound: happy first month, my love.

– Marbs

farewell to the ruins that had been my home

i watched the sun go down today while the car is going in its full speed against the sunset’s direction. i looked back ‘til the dusk slowly engulfed the sky, and then i readjusted my position to where the car is headed, closed my eyes and savored the fragment of calmness i had just collected by taking the time to breathe and be present at the moment.

i try to find innovative ways to help myself. i go beyond miles to create a different pattern of behavior to keep me from coming back. and unfortunate to say, but i suck at it. i’m not very good at helping me redefine a new personality where i could make good decisions, and choose better people. suffice to say, i learned to embrace the chaotic life i have been living, and no matter how destructive it is for me to live in a place where i’m constantly flooded with dreaded emotions, turns out i just can’t abandon it in an instant.

it’s funny how something so unhealthy and toxic could be this hard to resist. some people, when they get hurt, find the quickest possible solution to be relieved from the pain. but i like the pain. i love how it keeps me up at night thinking how undeserving i am of everything good. i love how it proves that people, no matter how good their intentions were, would eventually get tired and abandon me because i just don’t feel home. i’m too much. i’m such an emotional wreck.

i love it when pain reminds me that it is my home.

most of the time, i find myself counting down until i turn into a batshit psycho. i find myself getting sucked again by a rabbit hole and i’m telling you, it’s hard to find a way out when you’re trapped inside with your misery as a company. it drives me crazy, but at the same time, it feels normal. normal because i got used to it when i decided to love people who never knew how to love me without bringing storms as a token of their love, and also as an exit gift.

and while i’m still finding it hard to take myself out of the infinite loop of a tragedy that i have been living in, i am slowly learning that no matter how normal it feels to be in constant pain, i have to find a way to cut the cord and help me set myself free. because not everything that feels “normal’ and “good” is the ideal way to live a better life.

so i’m taking it day by day, one step at a time.

i bid goodbye to the sun as i also bid my farewell to the ruins that had been my home.

so long.

Is this it?

I’m hoping this is just a phase, but it also terrifies me to think that if ever I die, this will be it — me wasting away while I’m alive, and the future me that will be wasting away to erase the totality of my mess in the face of the earth.

I couldn’t even ask anybody if they’ve ever experienced this type of loneliness. Like everyone has conspired to make you feel shitty just so you’d give up. Like everyone’s been meaning to cut you off and let you sleep through the night knowing you’ll never be worth it.

I’m scared about a lot of ways and I’m scared if this is it.

I didn’t even know where to go today

All I know is I have to get out of our house. That’s the ultimate goal.

I boarded the first bus I saw without even thinking where I’ll go. I just said one ticket to the city, and I’ll just signal it to stop once I’m decided.

I went to the mall and checked if there’s anything I can watch at the movie house. I went for Ralph Breaks the Internet.

When the movie ended, there was my struggle again of finding a place to cave in. I entered and exited coffee shops like I’m just trying to trip employees then I felt lost and irritated and anxious. When I tried to make peace with falling in line to a milk tea shop, the mall’s alarm was triggered and I couldn’t have gotten more anxious. ARE WE GONNA DIE THERE. IS THERE A SHOOTING. WHY ARE THE GUARDS SUDDENLY SO SCARY.

I decided to leave and here I am, typing this nuisance in a cafe that is surprisingly peaceful with my pot of chamomile tea and Oreo cheesecake.

Here I am, and all I can hope for, while contemplating about this whole day of avoidance to my mother, my classmates, to people; is for everything to fall into its place eventually.

That someday I’ll be able to function well too.

That I don’t have to dread every day that’s about to come, that I don’t always have to feel exhausted. That I don’t have to pretend that I’m always strong.

When you know you deserve better, but you still settle for less

To one of the most beautiful human being ever existed,

This whole “I don’t want to end up alone so I’d rather settle,” is what poisons the most of us. Been there, done that. This unceasing hope that they’ll eventually come to their senses is a toxic mantra that has to be thrown away a thousand miles from where we are just so we wouldn’t cling to the same shitty idea over and over. I hate that I have to keep silent when these things occur to people I know, because who the fuck am I to judge when my life itself is a mess I can’t even decipher to clean up. But still, doesn’t mean I’m not distressed about it at all.

I know you deserve more than the love that’s being offered to you right now. I know you deserve a person who will willingly accept every little quirk of you, who will accept every person who has come into your life and consider it as a history that she’ll never rub in your face over and over to find flaws. I know you deserve every song you like to be heard, every feeling you bottled to be opened up, every mistake to be owned up and then forgiven. I know you deserve someone who can and who will love you despite the times you failed. I know you deserve someone who will hold your hand and keep you safe instead of bluntly telling people how you fucked up. I know you deserve a love that’s so pure you’d never want to find another shelter.

I know you know you deserve a love better than what you’re choosing to settle with now.

Love,

From a friend who gives a lot of fuck about your sake.

I’m willing myself to write like I didn’t just finish digesting twelve cases like it didn’t exhaust the fuck out of my brain, like I wasn’t even tired at all, like it’s not two in the morning already.

I knew I was meant to break this weekly contemplation junk since I suck at consistency like I’ve practiced my whole life to be good at it. I didn’t want to write because then my realization of the past weeks would hit me like it’s aiming for the bull’s eye. I was waiting for a positive thing to come. For my sense of self to actually make sense. I didn’t want to admit that most of the people in my life don’t accept rebuke as love, a question for clarity, and me, as an acceptable human being capable of feeling too.

It’s that feeling all over again, like my world never stops spinning, like I have to keep up with its speed like I have not a single say on how I should be treated because demanding for what I think I deserve seems to be too much for their ego.

Maybe I didn’t want to admit that I’m still settling for less. Wherever I go or whatever I do, or however I try to be as good, people do things out of the shittiness of their hearts. Like being nice and respectful and polite and understanding is an expensive value they can’t afford. Like bullying is the new trend, or digging deep for your flaws is their pastime.

I told my friend I’d leave this town when I become a lawyer. Not out of spite but out of exhaustion. I told her if I have the chance to go somewhere else where people don’t have a fucking idea who I am, I’d go and settle there in a heartbeat.

I have never felt this drained; but each day stuns the hell out of me because I always think I’m in the brink of collapsing or surrendering to whatever or whoever’s playing with my fucking life, but then I wake up every day, I survive everyday, and much as I have become so pessimistic at life in general, I learn about a thing or two.

I’m giving up at certain things and people in my life now, not because I’m a fucking weakling, but because trying to constantly prove something just causes me insufferable damage. It turns out hoping can also cause someone an agonizing wound. It turns out hoping and constantly believing in people that promised you change but never actually did something about it has made me gullible and stupid.

I’m giving up at certain causes that only impairs my growth. I have had high hopes and positive views about talking about things to make it better, but it turns out not all people deserve rationalization anymore so I’d rather shut the fuck up and let them do whatever the fuck they want.